Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Krystal Skull

Russian communists are upset about how they are depicted in this latest installment of a solid gold franchise. They claim Speilberg and Lucas are trying to start another cold war by showing Ruskies gunning down American's without remorse. I think grief over this movie extends beyond the former Soviet block. It is hard to come up with another movie that goes through the motions harder than this 4th installment.

How pathetic is it when the best thing people can say about Krystal Skull is that it "feels" like a Jones movie rather than it being one. It is one of the most unsatisfying movies ever made. A movie predicated upon the obvious existance of aliens, and yet at the end Lucas and SpeilBergo deny us even that satisfaction. Professor Ox "The Ox" Oxley pulls a Frank Darabount and states that these krystal skeleton aliens (13 of them are found at the end) are "interdimensional beings" from the "space between space."

I wish that was the worst of it. I really wish this movie did not exist. 20 minutes in I wanted to walk out. I knew it was going to desecrate my childhood and what I find to be one of the foremost movie franchises. Temple of Doom is often chided for being less than steller, but it is not the Matrix, Pirates, or Men In Black sequals.

Unfortunately, this Krystal Skull is. In the original trilogy, Indy had to fight through the whole movie to finally get his hands on on the prize, from Ark to Shankara Stones to Grail. He might possess it for the breifest of moments but then must fight to get it back. The krystal skull is picked up after 20-30 minutes, and except for a bout of hacky-sack in a cgi jungle, Indy keeps it the whold time.

Which brings me to CGI. What a wonderful innovation for filmmakers. It makes the impossible possible. It allowed Lt. Dan to really have no legs. It allowed Neo to dodge bullets in the coolest way possible, and it had led to Shia LaShit swinging through a CGI jungle with CGI monkeys so he can pefectly land a boot in Cate Blanchett's inconsequential face. Remember when a guy was literally dragged behind a truck for Raider's of the Lost Ark? Well, SpeilBergo wanted to keep the plot details of Indy 4 a secret and shot everything on sets with greenscreens. It does not help to have George "Attack of the Greenscreen" Lucas whispering in your ear.

I'm not going to talk about Mutt Williams or Marion Ravenwood because there is no reason they had to be in this movie other than to make another sequal and to get 40 and 50 somethings in the theatre. What do they do that is of consequence in Indy 4? Play with knives? Make eyes at Indy? This movie would have been an instant classic had Bergo and Lucas substituted Indy, Mutt, and Marion Jones with Harpo, Chico, and Groucho Marx. How much fun would it be to watch Chico swing through the jungle shaking his fists at the monkeys, or having Harpo freak out and lock himself in the lead-linded fridge.

Oh god, the nuclear bomb. Michael Dudley does a better job of summing up that scene than I will ever do. Apparently it has inspired the new phrase "Nuke The Fridge", a spinoff of "Jump The Shark". Read his analysis here:

http://www.alternet.org/story/86708/

So yeah, Indiana Jones 4 is a stinking pile of shit that I wanted to walk out of. I did not because my ride wanted to keep watching. A friend asked me if at the end the Jones gang have to do anything important to escape or do they just run faster than the danger. Unfortunately it is the latter.

Oh, and Cate Blanchett dies Raiders of the Lost Ark style from too much curiousity. She does not melt though. Something shoots into her eyes as she screams and disintegrates into a gold dust that is sucked into an interdimensional portal.

Sounds great, right. Just thank the richer than shit jerkoffs above for a time well spent.