This might be hard for you to do, but if you can, acquire a way-back machine and return to the year 1990, so you can not go see "The Two Jakes."
If you've never seen a good movie, I recommend watching "Chinatown," if only so you'll know what it feels like when you do see a good movie. If you've never been water-boarded, I recommend watching its sequel, "The Two Jakes."
Imagine if every scene in "Chinatown" had nothing to do with the one before it. Rub your face and dick with sandpaper while imagining this, and that's what "The Two Jakes" is like, except longer and sandier.
The basic premise of the film is that "Chinatown" made a lot of money. Jack Nicholson, pulling off the legendary trifecta of acting and directing while napping, remakes "Chinatown" almost beat-for-beat, even bringing back the children of characters from the first film so he can beat them up or fuck them.
Oh. And there's only one Jake. Harvey Keitel plays a character whose nickname sounds like "Jake," but he's actually called "Berman" throughout the film. It's really confusing, but Jack Nicholson, as auteur, had the foresight to include cast credits at the end so you'd know what this business of "two Jakes" was all about.
There are some delightful moments in this film. For example, at one point Nicholson tells the overacting Madeleine Stowe to shut up, get on her knees, put her ass in the air, and wait for him while he slowly puts the pieces of his bullshit mystery together.
Later, Nicholson wrestles in a police station with the son of the cop who shot Faye Dunaway in "Chinatown;" once he gets the other man on his back, Nicholson shoves a gun in his mouth and tells him to suck it. None of the characters in this scene, including Tom Waits as some dude, reappear in the movie or matter at all to the plot -- except Nicholson. It's the film's only recurring theme.
Both of these moments sound great when described, but believe me, Nicholson finds a way to make these scenes monotonous and awful. Maybe it was because he didn't want to direct the movie. Maybe it was because Robert Evans dropped out years prior and took the money with him. That explains why the movie seems like Nicholson woke up one afternoon and decided to make a "Chinatown" sequel with just five dollars and a bottle of quaaludes. Why not, that's five dollars more than they made "Chinatown" for, right?
Wrong.
From its boring as fuck plot to Nicholson's "I could give a shit" voice-over narration (highlighting minor characters and details that have NOTHING WHATSO-FUCKING-EVER to do with the story), "The Two Jakes" will forever have a special place in my colon as the most worthless fucking movie I've ever had to sit through.
Sorry, "Stomp the Yard." You're 18 years too late. Don't go see "The Two Jakes."
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Jack Nicholson woke up and said "Fuck it, at least I got Batman." That's how this movie was made. Do you think he said "Where does he get these wonderful toys?" as Robert Evans walked off with the money from Chinatown? It's even more sad that the money went towards the young whores Robert Evans fucks until they turn 25, when they become old and have to be made into soylent green. The rest of the money went towards him bragging about how he practically made Chinatown along with whatever shit he decides to exaggerate. Tom Waits is the lotus that rises up from the mud in this scenario.
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