America didn't just win World War Two in the Pacific because we were awesome/fuckin' nuclear. The Japanese Empire brought a lot of dumb ideas from antiquity into a modern war and were thusly stomped -- ideas like blowing yourself up with a fucking grenade if you start losing a battle, rather than, say, using those grenades to blow up anyone else.
"Letters from Iwo Jima" is a foreign language film by a domestic language director about the only four Japanese guys in the entire goddamn Empire trying to overthrow thousands of years of tradition in the last five seconds of a world war, only to be killed by the Americans anyway. It's like watching The Alamo directed by Mexicans, or Titanic directed by icebergs. Its cinematography, like its asshole, is blown out like you wouldn't believe, so you know it's realistic. The gesture by Eastwood is laudible: history's written by the winners, so let's see what the losers had to write. Except we'll have that written by the winners, too.
Like Paul Haggis. He's a fucking winner, alright.
I can't wait for "Letters from Napoleon's Colon After Waterloo, Yo," by Diablo Cody. Eat shit and die, you fucking bastards.
Drunken commentary: I just really care about the true story of Iwo Jima, because it's a good story to tell and this was a fucking bullshit cop-out Americanized way of telling it.
The only thing this movie got right about the horrors of war was that all the characters were totally gay for each other.
I've tried watching this movie three times over the course of the years and I've fallen asleep each time -- HOW DEEP A SLEEP YOU ASK, well I'll tell you, so deep a sleep that Senator Bill Frist had to diagnose me as alive, via internet webcam on the floor of Congress, in order to keep those abortion- and euthanasia-hungry Dems from murdering my precious ass. Heh? HEH? Remember that? Of course not. You don't remember the Terri Schiavo case because you're a sack of shit, not because this is a stupid arbitrary pointless paragraph that wastes your time.
Haggis's writing is so hackneyed, it's SACKNEYED, like when you're fucking KNEED in the SACK by a KNEE. This guy's writing sucks so hard his heart tried to kill itself during the making of "PAUL HAGGIS'S CRASH, BY PAUL HAGGIS: THE 'NOT THE GOOD BUT CRAZY CRASH, BY CRONENBERG' STORY."
Which was rated SHIT for Somehow Worse Than "Letters From Iwo Jima." First time the MPAA used that rating. The second time will be Hit Parade.
Clint Eastwood should make his last movie about this blawg entry, at least it'll be better than anything Paul Haggis has written. Fuck Paul Haggis. God damn it, I paid no dollars to watch another one of his piece of shit movies. Fuck.
Dear Paul Haggis, if you've actually read this far, then fucking die, prick. I hate you. Sincerely, fucking die, prick.
